Although I try to keep up with all the awesome writings on sexuality/relationships/gender on the internets, I often find myself not actually saying anything myself as I'm acutely aware of my ignorance on most matters and would prefer to listen to others who know more. That's right, I'm a lurker, but not a creepy one (I hope!).
This time however I feel moved to speak up. I'm bisexual. I'm a 31 year old woman who is happily married to a man, and I'm bisexual.
I first remember having stirrings of this on holiday with my folks at about 12 or 13. My brother and I would be allowed to stay up late and watch tv while giggling at the sounds of our parents having sex (and trying to be quiet) at the other end of the caravan. One evening we watched the film Heathers. Oh my giddy aunt, Christian Slater and Winona Ryder. Yup, that's the good stuff.
I remember also walking along the beach with my mum discussing homosexuality and that she wouldn't be surprised if my sister were gay. I asked about the possibility of my being gay and my mum answered with a laugh 'you're not gay!' That's all I remember, but it's pretty vivid up till then.
Now I have no idea why my wonderful left wing, feminist enlightened mother said this, or how she thought she could tell when I wasn't sure yet, but I really took it to heart. My mum was almost always right, so surely she was right about this? So I tried to forget it.
Didn't work.
A couple of years later I realised that I was definitely attracted to men and women, and by then I had a cool group of metaller friends that were more than happy to have a bi girl in their midst. So that was cool for a while. I had some boyfriends because I really didn't know how to get off with women, there was one gay pub in my hometown and I was too scared to go in.
When I was 18 I met a gay woman through a colleague and immediately fell for her. She had the best freckles. I couldn't stop thinking about her.
After some very teenage 'my friend likes you' conversations, we got together and started dating. At first it was pretty good. Then she came up against the bi wall. She absolutely wouldn't believe that I was attracted to women as well as men. I had to constantly reassure her that I was turned on by, not her, but women in general, and when I had a laugh with a male friend at her flat, she completely freaked out and accused me of trying to get off with him. The relationship fell apart pretty quickly after that and left me with a sour taste in my mouth.
I still got off with women sometimes, but I was even more scared now and afraid that maybe I wasn't bi and was leading them on.
In the fullness of time I moved to a city, met a lovely man and got married. And that was easy as I was basically now straight.
But I'm not, I'm bi. I'm a timid, scared bi woman who was too afraid of judgment and mocking to completely express my sexuality. I love my husband, and I definitely played the field before him in terms of men so I have no regrets on that score, but while I'm happy with him, part of me can't help but wonder how many opportunities I missed.
My husband knows I'm bi, my siblings know (mum knows I had a relationship with a woman but not sure she considers me bi), most of my friends know. My in-laws don't as I don't want them to worry about our relationship. And that's the problem with people's perception of bisexuality.
A couple of weeks ago, an acquaintance who I've told I'm bi said to my face that they didn't believe bisexuality existed, it was just greed (oh, please). I was gobsmacked, not just that it was said, but that it was said to my face. I managed to refute the argument, but it left me shaken and upset for days. That person would never dream of saying that to a gay person, so why is it ok to me? Is it because I'm married to a man so it isn't really part of me? Again, this is the problem.
So once again I'll say it, I'm bisexual. The older I get the more I know it and I don't need to have had dozens of, or indeed any, relationships with women to prove it. I am. Trust me. I would know.
And if you're not sure, put on Heathers and watch me squirm...
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